I Love Little Willie

I just woke up with my heart racing.

In my dream, Uncle Tim and I were climbing a train trestle to escape the incoming tide. The tide was slow going and we could have gone a bit farther along our path (where their was an easy climb out), but we decided to go up the trestle because Tim didn’t want his shoes to get wet (wrecked).

We were in happy competition during our climb, exclaiming how it was easy, sort of racing each other to the top. About half way up, we reached a point where we had to change our strategy because it was too narrow where we were climbing. (Moving from inside a group of columns to the outside). He went ahead of me up a ladder of sorts and, in the process of following (transitioning from inside to outside), I looked down and was overcome with paralyzing vertigo and pure adrenaline…and that’s when I awoke.

Lying there, trying to calm myself down, I remembered this one:

I love little Willie, I do, Mama
I love little Willie, I do, Mama
I love little Willie, but don’t you tell Pa
Cuz he wouldn’t like it at all, Mama

Willie wrote me a letter today, Mama
Willie wrote me a letter today, Mama
Willie wrote me a letter, but don’t you tell Pa
Cuz he wouldn’t like it at all, Mama

We’re going to get married, we are, Mama
We’re going to get married, we are, Mama
We’re going to get married, but don’t you tell Pa
Cuz he wouldn’t like it at all, Mama

And now we are married, we are, Mama
And now we are married, we are, Mama
And now we are married, and you can tell Pa
Cuz he can do nothing at all, Mama

No idea how this is related, but in my current state of mind (fear), it reminds me how grateful I am that I don’t have a marriage (or live in a cultural climate) where a husband has so much power over his wife and children that these kind of secrets would need to be kept from him and daughters would run off to get married without telling him (to avoid his wrath).

I remember, as a girl, thinking it was cute and that I revelling in the rebellious nature of it. As a mother, I feel sorry for this Mama who chooses to betray her husband or this Pa who pretends not to know about his daughters secrets.

With regards to the dream, it’s amazing how accurate it captures my current state of mind. Your Pa got a wonderful job offer yesterday…we really are going to be moving to Calgary. He will be leaving shortly (in 3 weeks) and I will be taking care of you by myself for the next 2-3 months. Lots of change at once: Christmas is around the corner; I’ve got jury duty to attend during his last two weeks here; there’s A LOT to do to make this move happen and not a lot of free time to do it; and, most terrifying to me, a new life to start in Calgary.

Where will I work? Who will I have Ladies Lunch with and do Sat play dates with? How can I recreate my lifestyle and my community? How much grief will I feel and how will I manage it? How will this impact our plans to have another baby?

Alongside these Qs is a buzzing excitement, an overwhelming bubbly glee that resembles drunkenness. And, in the very middle of it all is fragile hope and trust that we are on the perfect path forward.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s